


it's not easy

by kiyala



Series: soulbonding [2]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, M/M, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 06:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/833562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiyala/pseuds/kiyala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Courfeyrac never thought that love at first sight was a real thing outside the context of soul bonds. Then he met Combeferre.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's not easy

**Author's Note:**

> this is a companion fic/coda for [twenty-three](http://archiveofourown.org/works/820951) so it would probably help to have read that first, though it's probably not necessary.

Courfeyrac meets Combeferre through Enjolras when they're in college. They're walking out of a first year law lecture when Enjolras mentions that he's meeting a friend for lunch, and invites Courfeyrac to join them.

Combeferre is a second year med student and more of a brother to Enjolras than a friend. They're incredibly close and despite this fact, they make Courfeyrac feel like he belongs right there with them, instead of an awkward third wheel.

There's also the fact that Courfeyrac and Combeferre can't stop looking at each other. They're both much too young for it to actually mean anything; Combeferre is twenty and Courfeyrac is only eighteen. Enjolras takes no notice, too busy talking about how he doesn't like their lecturer's teaching style because it feels much too biased by her own personal opinion.

They shake hands when they part ways and Courfeyrac feels his skin tingle as it touches Combeferre's. They both pause for a beat, watching each other, until they drag their gazes away, their hands following suit.

When Enjolras invites Courfeyrac to join them again, mentioning that Combeferre seems to like him, it's difficult not to agree before Enjolras has even finished talking.

«·»

Barely a month later, Courfeyrac has become such close friends with Enjolras and Combeferre that the three of them are inseparable. They do everything together; when Enjolras and Courfeyrac are studying for their law exams, Combeferre will come over with his medical textbooks, and when Enjolras decides that he wants to start up a social justice group at college, Courfeyrac and Combeferre are right there behind him.

Four months after they'd first met, they're at Combeferre's house celebrating the end of their exam period with a quiet movie night. It's just the three of them and Enjolras is already asleep, finally succumbing to the stress and exhaustion of the past few weeks.

Courfeyrac and Combeferre are sitting beside each other on the two-seater while Enjolras has the single seater to himself, curled up in it like a content cat. Courfeyrac hasn't been paying attention to the movie since Combeferre had taken his hand in the dark, at some point near the beginning. They sit there with their sides pressed against each other, neither of them moving until Courfeyrac glances at Enjolras to make sure he's definitely asleep, and then turns so he can press a light kiss to Combeferre's lips.

Combeferre kisses him back, equally gentle, and they squeeze each other's hands, smiling.

Glancing towards Enjolras, Combeferre wraps his arm around Courfeyrac's shoulder, pulling him even closer. Courfeyrac leans into him with a smile, which grows even wider when he feels Combeferre's chin resting on top of his head.

«·»

When Enjolras leaves the next morning, Courfeyrac stays behind saying that he's going to help Combeferre clean up. It's not the best lie he's told, but Enjolras accepts it all the same, leaving them to it once Combeferre insists that one of them staying back is more than enough.

They end up in Combeferre's room, kissing against the shut door. Their kisses the previous night were shy and tentative, but they're more demanding now as they hold onto each other, not pulling apart until they're breathless.

Courfeyrac laughs quietly, ducking his head in an attempt to hide his giddy grin. Combeferre joins in, his hands on Courfeyrac's shoulders.

They end up kissing again and when they pull apart this time, Courfeyrac says, "We should probably talk to Enjolras."

Combeferre sighs. "He won't take it very well."

"I know."

They've both heard Enjolras' opinion on unbonded relationships. He's personally experienced the worst possible outcome of one and as a result, no longer believes that they can end any other way. This opinion extends to people too young to know whether or not they're bonded.

"He'll listen to us," Courfeyrac says quietly. "We'll make him understand."

Combeferre nods. "Yeah. You're right."

They intend to talk to Enjolras about it after their social justice meeting the next day. Enjolras is in a good mood now that he's no longer stressed about exams, so everything seems promising. Except Joly and Bossuet are there together—as they always are—and this time, they have a girl with them.

Her name is Musichetta and nobody bothers to ask who she is with, because it's clear enough that the answer is _both_ of them. Enjolras doesn't say anything about it during the meeting, but Courfeyrac sees the way his expression closes up whenever he looks in their direction. They leave with Musichetta hooking her pinkies with one of Joly's and one of Bossuet's, and Enjolras waits until he's packing up after the meeting with Courfeyrac and Combeferre before he says, "It's foolish of them."

"It's harmless," Combeferre says neutrally.

"You know it's not," Enjolras replies. "All it takes is for one of them to bond and everything falls apart. Or worse, what if two of them bond with each other? What happens to the other one?"

"They're all twenty," Courfeyrac speaks up. "They have a few years to go. They're happy for now. They can worry about the rest later. Besides, bonds are rare anyway."

"Not rare enough to take chances," Enjolras says bitterly.

With a sigh, Courfeyrac drops the argument. He glances over at Combeferre, who gives him a strained smile. They hold their silence.

«·»

They come to the mutual decision not to date. They don't talk about it; they both know that doing this without Enjolras understanding and accepting it is going to be difficult. Neither of them want to lie to him about it.

It lasts for about a week. Enjolras goes away from a holiday with his mother and Courfeyrac spends the entire time at Combeferre's house. Enjolras is away for a fortnight and for the first day, Courfeyrac and Combeferre try to keep their hands to themselves. They don't even last until the afternoon before they end up in Combeferre's bed, kissing until their lips are bruised.

Courfeyrac is a shameless flirt when he wants to be and he tends to be affectionate at the best of times, but that's nothing compared to the way he feels when he's with Combeferre. When they're together, it feels like there's no other possible place that he could belong, and it feels pointless to even try and deny it.

"Maybe he just doesn't have to know," Courfeyrac say quietly, the day before Enjolras gets home. They're sitting on Combeferre's bed, with Combeferre leaning against the wall and Courfeyrac's back to his chest. "I don't want to go back to how it was before. I'm okay with just being good friends with you when we're out with other people but when it's just the two of us…"

"Yeah." Combeferre's arms tighten around him. "Enjolras will understand when you turn twenty-three anyway."

It's the first time either of them have directly mentioned the possibility of being bonded. The fact that Combeferre is just as certain about it as Courfeyrac is enough to have Courfeyrac grinning like an idiot for the rest of the day.

«·»

One year later, Enjolras still hasn't realised that his best friends are in a relationship. Courfeyrac assumes that Enjolras is just wrapped up in everything he's doing—he's dropped down to part-time study because he's started working part-time at a law firm as well, and he's still running the social justice club on top of that.

It's also extremely likely that Enjolras is just completely oblivious. Courfeyrac is pretty sure that this is the case, once Grantaire joins the social justice club.

"I can't stand him," Enjolras complains as they're walking back to his place after a meeting. "He spends all of his time mocking me—I don't even know what he's doing here. He clearly doesn't believe in a thing I say."

Courfeyrac laughs. "He's got a crush on you, Enjolras. That's why he's always trying to annoy you."

"Well it's a waste of time," Enjolras replies. "Both his and mine. The sooner he grows out of it, the better."

Courfeyrac opens his mouth to argue, to defend Grantaire, but Combeferre stops him with a hand on his shoulder. Combeferre doesn't look particularly happy about it either, but they both how stubborn Enjolras is, especially on this matter.

Not that it dissuades Grantaire at all. He continues to take pleasure in irritating Enjolras at every meeting. There's a fond look in Grantaire's eyes whenever he says something specifically to earn yet another glare from Enjolras, and a self-deprecating smile on his lips that says he never expects his feelings to be returned. Courfeyrac suspects that it has less to do with self-preservation and much more to do with Grantaire's general pessimism.

Not that this stops Grantaire's feelings from growing deeper and Courfeyrac can only watch on, unable to imagine what it must be like to be in a hopeless, one-sided relationship like that.

«·»

When Combeferre turns twenty-three, he turns to Courfeyrac with a warm smile and a silent, _two more years_. He doesn't bother looking into anyone else's eyes and Grantaire, somewhere at the back of the room, picks up on that immediately. He raises an eyebrow at Courfeyrac but doesn't ask. Courfeyrac supposes that he doesn't really need to.

That night, Courfeyrac goes home with Combeferre. When they're naked and wrapped in each other's arms, falling asleep, Courfeyrac is utterly content. He has no idea why, but he wakes up the next morning convinced that Combeferre will bond with somebody else.

It takes a long time before Combeferre manages to reassure Courfeyrac that it isn't going to happen. Even then, they both know that their promises mean nothing until Courfeyrac turns twenty-three, until they're _sure_ , and they can't tell how much of this is Enjolras' influence and how much is just their own paranoia.

They try not to let it get in their way. They're happy together and it's nothing something they can just put on hold until they're certain anyway.

Enjolras turns twenty-three first, and Courfeyrac sees the look on Grantaire's face, utterly terrified that Enjolras will end up bonded with someone else. Courfeyrac can relate.

"How do you deal with it?" Grantaire asks Courfeyrac at some point during the night. "Taking such a big risk like that?"

"It feels right," Courfeyrac replies simply.

"And that's good enough?"

It is, for now. Courfeyrac doesn't say that, nodding silently instead.

"I don't think I could do that," Grantaire mutters, mostly to himself. "Lucky Enjolras never looks twice in my direction, right?"

"I think it's brave that you care so much about him anyway."

Grantaire laughs darkly. "Trust me, this isn't bravery. Stupidity or masochism, maybe, but definitely not _bravery_."

«·»

The days leading up to Courfeyrac's twenty-third are filled with nervous excitement. The afternoon before, Enjolras is busy at work so Courfeyrac goes over to his and Combeferre's place.

Combeferre fucks him against the wall on the way to the bed and then again once they actually make it there. Courfeyrac tries not to think of how it's going to be the last time they have sex before being bonded, because he doesn't want to jinx them. Luckily for him, Combeferre is well-versed in reducing him to incoherence.

He was born in the early afternoon, so he goes out to lunch with his closest friends. When the clock ticks over to nineteen minutes past one, Courfeyrac looks over towards Combeferre.

Nothing happens.

He blinks, frowns, and wonders where the hell the fireworks are. Then he realises; he's madly in love with Combeferre, but they're not bonded.

"Happy birthday," Enjolras says, bringing him out of his thoughts. Courfeyrac manages a small smile in reply. He glances back towards Combeferre again, who is smiling, but Courfeyrac knows him well enough to see that it's a struggle to hold that smile in place.

Grantaire gives Courfeyrac a sympathetic look and squeezes his shoulder. Courfeyrac manages to remain smiling for the rest of lunch. Enjolras picks up on the fact that he is unhappy, but not why. Courfeyrac explains it away, saying that he's just uncomfortably aware of the fact that his entire life could change in a moment now.

He doesn't even know how to begin to talk about how stupid he feels for being so certain about something, and being entirely wrong.

Combeferre wraps his arm around Courfeyrac's shoulder as they walk, loose enough that Courfeyrac can pull away if he wants. Instead, Courfeyrac leans into it, wrapping his arm around Combeferre's waist in return. They can't quite comfort each other the way they want to without having to explain to Enjolras, so this will have to do.

«·»

The following months are difficult. Courfeyrac and Combeferre rarely fight, but it's all that they seem to do for a while. It's driven by fear and disappointment, and even though they're both completely aware of it, neither of them can seem to stop it.

Combeferre is afraid of meeting new people and Courfeyrac can't bring himself to make eye contact with anyone, and they blame each other even though they know that they both feel the exact same way.

"I can't do this," Courfeyrac says shakily, unable to look Combeferre in the eye, knowing how disappointing it still is to feel nothing close to the all-consuming pull that he'd been so sure of. "I can't spend every single day worrying that you'll meet your other half, that you'll be _gone_ just like that."

"What are you saying?" Combeferre asks, his voice firm even though he looks terrified.

"Maybe we're just not—no, the thing is, we _know_ that we're not meant to be together."

"Courfeyrac, please." Combeferre touches his shoulder. Courfeyrac turns away, shaking his head. He doesn't want to do this either, but maybe this will hurt less than when they don't actually have a choice in the matter.

Enjolras is bewildered by the sudden strain in their friendship. Courfeyrac pretends that he's sick, excusing himself from the plans that the three of them usually make together. He doesn't know how well Combeferre is doing at pretending that everything is going fine when he lives with Enjolras. Courfeyrac tries not to think about him at all, because when he does, it's difficult to stop.

It's not even a week after they've broken up when Courfeyrac finds himself on Combeferre's doorstep while Enjolras is out.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I love you. That's not going to change. And if anyone thinks that they can love you more than I do, I'm introducing my fist to their face."

Combeferre laughs quietly and pulls Courfeyrac inside by the hand. He crowds Courfeyrac against the door and murmurs, "I'm really angry at you."

"I know. I deserve it." Courfeyrac pauses when Combeferre kisses him. "You knew I'd come back."

"I did," Combeferre agrees. "But it still hurt. Please don't ever do that again."

Courfeyrac pulls Combeferre in for another deep kiss, and wonders if it can even begin to make up for what he's done.

«·»

Grantaire's twenty-third birthday changes everything. Courfeyrac sees the way that Grantaire and Enjolras look at each other, wide-eyed and disbelieving, and he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry.

He's still not sure when Combeferre takes him aside a few days later, saying that Enjolras is moving out with Grantaire, and asks Courfeyrac to move in with him instead.

Like most boundaries they set for themselves, their decision to sleep in separate beds and stay out of each other's way doesn't last for very long. It's Courfeyrac's second night of trying to make Enjolras' old room feel like his when he gives up, padding across the hall and into Combeferre's room.

"Hey." Combeferre shuffles aside to make room for him. "Can't sleep?"

"Don't want to sleep alone," Courfeyrac mumbles in reply, resting his head on Combeferre's shoulder.

In reply, Combeferre wraps an arm around Courfeyrac and holds him close. Courfeyrac doesn't bother sleeping in his own bed from then on.

«·»

Sometimes they hate Enjolras with an intense jealousy that only serves to make them hate themselves. It's not that they envy his happiness, because it's extremely clear that he and Grantaire aren't happy with the way things are. It's just that Courfeyrac is sure that if it were him and Combeferre instead, it would work so much better. They would actually _want_ to be bonded and they wouldn't be spending all of their time pushing against each other the way Enjolras and Grantaire do.

They both know how pointless it is to wish that their situations were reversed. It's not going to change anything, and they're better off using their energy trying to figure out how their own relationship is going to work.

They're too committed to each other to give up what they have, but they're still not entirely sure that they can make it work knowing that they aren't bonded. They know that they want to try, but that isn't anywhere near good enough.

It's Grantaire who proves that they can make it work; it's Grantaire who, by some miracle, makes Enjolras understand. He takes Courfeyrac and Combeferre aside when they're all at Marius and Cosette's engagement, confessing that he'd never even realised that they were together until Grantaire pointed it out to him. When he apologises, it's clear that he's sorry for much more than the fact that he'd never noticed. Courfeyrac and Combeferre forgive him without a second thought.

It's a stupid thing, to need Enjolras to understand and to approve, but now they no longer feel like they need to hide it. Because of Grantaire's insistence to prove that love isn't dependent on bonds, Courfeyrac and Combeferre aren't as afraid.

"You know what?" Courfeyrac asks when they get home from the engagement party, smiling into the kiss he presses to Combeferre's lips. "I think I want to grow old with you."

"You _think_?" Combeferre repeats, raising an eyebrow and smiling in return.

"Pretty sure about it, actually."

"Well, just in case you didn't already know," Combeferre replies, pulling Courfeyrac into another kiss, "I want that too."

«·»

When Marius and Cosette get married, Courfeyrac spends more time watching Enjolras and Grantaire than he does watching the bride and groom. Combeferre does the same thing; they're both relieved to see that Enjolras and Grantaire seem to have finally worked everything out between them.

When they move onto the dance floor, Courfeyrac sits there for a while before he decides that he's had enough of watching. He wants to join in. He takes Combeferre's hand, pulling him to his feet and onto the floor. Combeferre resists, which doesn't surprise Courfeyrac one bit.

"You know I can't dance," Combeferre says, which is an outright lie. The tips of his ears are red. Courfeyrac didn't think he could fall in love with him any more than he already is, but he's quickly learning that this is not the case.

"We'll dance over to where Enjolras is, then. He'll make you feel better."

Combeferre laughs at that, which draws the attention of both Enjolras and Grantaire, who smile at them encouragingly. Courfeyrac tugs on Combeferre's hand again and this time, he comes without protest.

They aren't anywhere near as disgustingly cute as Enjolras and Grantaire, but Courfeyrac doesn't mind this at all. He spends the night swaying in Combeferre's arms, and that's more than enough for him.

«·»

When Enjolras and Grantaire get married, they have a gathering for dinner instead of a big wedding. It's quiet and understated, and it's perfect for them. Enjolras gives a speech, which surprises nobody and leaves Grantaire blinking rapidly and biting his lower lip to keep his emotions at bay. Grantaire gives a speech of his own, and it's equally touching, to the point that Enjolras takes his hand halfway through and squeezes silently, not letting go until he's done.

Courfeyrac sits at Enjolras' right, with Combeferre on his other side. He leans back into the arm that Combeferre has around the back of his chair, and if they rest their heads against each other throughout the night, and turn to give each other fond looks, nobody else looks the least bit surprised.

Much later, after three courses of delicious food and several more toasts, Courfeyrac and Combeferre go home together, undressing and curling up into bed. They lie there, so close that their noses brush against each other, tired and happy.

"It's kind of weird to think that so many of our friends are married," Courfeyrac finally speaks up.

"It really is." Combeferre's lips twitch into a grin. "I don't think I'm ever going to get over how amusing it is to see Enjolras looking all lovestruck."

Courfeyrac laughs at that, and they both lapse into a brief silence, their fingers entwining.

"Hey—" Courfeyrac says, and the same time Combeferre says, "Courf—"

Then, in unison, they say, "Do you want to get—"

Combeferre laughs, and Courfeyrac joins me.

"Marry me?" Combeferre asks, unable to keep the grin off his lips.

"I think you should marry _me_ ," Courfeyrac replies.

"We'll marry each other. Deal?"

Courfeyrac doesn't even have the chance to reply before Combeferre is covering his face with kisses. He doesn't really need to; he's certain that the way he can't stop smiling is answer enough.


End file.
